The Colonoscopy One

Oh yes, you read that title correctly and I know you’re on the edge of your seat. This is a fun topic, am I right? As you may remember, April was my birthday month, and let me just say that when birthday month came to an end, she really came to an end. Out with the confetti and in with the colonoscopies…what a time to be alive!

I want to first dispel the notion that I am old enough to be at the recommended age for such a procedure: fake news. I am (ahem) far too young for that, however, I have been having gastrointestinal issues since November that continue to puzzle my doctors and I am eager to do pretty much anything to get to some answers. I had a feeling that after months of other tests, we were headed for the big “C,” and sure enough, it finally came to fruition.

If you’ve never had this procedure done before, I’m here to calm your sense of impending doom: while I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it, it’s also not as bad as you probably think. Like everyone says, the prep is the worst part, because you literally have to empty your entire body out so they can get in there and look around. Think of it like a forced cleanse. I got lucky in that my prep drink was not one of those terrible tasting ones you hear the war stories about, but Miralax mixed with Gatorade, and people, to my immense relief, it just tasted like Gatorade! Lots and lots of lemon lime Gatorade.

This is how to really get a party started.

I used our margarita pitcher to mix the concoction and I will never be able to look at that pitcher the same way again.

So the drill is that the day before your colonoscopy, you consume nothing but clear liquids (Jell-O and chicken broth, so satisfying, YUM) and you start drinking this laxative mixture to clean out your system. The next morning, you will drink more of this colon-blow and then report for duty, fully flushed out and ready for the colon camera. Show ‘em your best side, and all of that.

I’m just going to be frank: I happen to be excellent at chugging drinks (sorry, Mom but I just channeled my college days) and also an expert at frequently going to the bathroom, so this was my Olympic event. I caught up on every issue of Southern Living, Garden and Gun, US Weekly, and whatnot that I have missed due to the hectic pace of life recently while spending plenty of time in our master bathroom water closet. I even lit a scented candle for ambiance. A friend who had already experienced this (very bizarre) phenomenon had advised me to start the prep earlier than the doctor’s office recommended to help guarantee my system would settle down by bedtime, and that was sage advice. I finally calmed down and was ready to collapse into bed around 10:00 p.m., with my alarm set for 6:30 a.m. and a Gatorade/Miralax breakfast of champions the next day.

Now, if we haven’t gotten to know each other: I can bet a bit of a nervous Nelly. Some might say I am type A. As the nurse ushered me back to get ready for my procedure, he commented, “This must be your first colonoscopy. You look young and nervous.” To which I assured him, “Sir, I am not nervous, I am high-strung. It’s not just today, it’s a lifestyle.” We then proceeded to take my blood pressure three separate times to try and get an acceptable reading that was not through the roof so we could continue with the agenda.

Finally, success. I was given my IV and wheeled into the procedure room. The anesthesiologist told me to take four slow, deep breaths, in and out…I took two, and woke up in recovery. Blessed assurance! The only other times I have had anesthesia in my life were for dental procedures and both times, I woke up before the procedures were finished (it is so not cool to be awake while they finish removing your wisdom teeth—those things are really stuck inside your skull), so I was very relieved I did not have to participate in the tour of my intestinal tract.

The recovery nurse offered me water or a Diet Coke, at which point I informed him that, thanks to a high insurance deductible, I was paying out-of-pocket for the experience so please keep the Diet Cokes a-coming. Who needs Bermuda when you can spend a day at the Carolina Digestive Health Endoscopy Center? They even said I could keep the no-slip surgery socks as a souvenir. So luxurious.

I guess this post can also count as my “What I Did For My Summer Vacation” essay as well. Our friends all seem to be taking trips to fabulous locations like Greece, Hawaii, Switzerland, and the Caribbean and I don’t think I have left us enough money to go to Dollywood at this point. The good news is that I got the colonoscopy over with and we didn’t find anything scary, terribly wrong. The bad news is: I still didn’t get any real answers about what exactly is causing my issues. But if you need tips on how to power-chug 64 ounces of Gatorade in just over an hour, I’m your girl. Been there, done that, got the colon keepsake pictures to prove it.